Monday, May 23, 2011

a life but not as most would no it

Well Where do i Start a potted history sounds Good

( Please Note Iam Dyslexic so I apologogize for my spelling from the start)

I have to admit iam a trans women and my life has changed and is still changing

I will not start with the normal trans story off ( I always now i was a girl trapped in a boys body ) that’s that out of the way.

I just grow up in a loving normal family the second child how got on well with my older sister and always played with her and proffered to play her games from skipping to playing dress up \mums hospitals and the like yes i did the boy things as well but only because it was expected of me.

my first time publicly out in girl mode was when i was 8 we had family to stay and i was playing with my sister and 2 female cousins and i was dressed in hot pants and a halter neck top and daps ( plimsolls to those that are posh) and we were going out for the day to a wildlife park
my mum said your not going like that but the rest of the girls said yes she is no boys on this trip and my mum just checked i was ok with this :-)
I said i was and the 2 families when and had a good day it was such a good day for me every one we meet just thort i was one off the girls and it just felt right to be out and about as me on a sunny day with the family calling me Nikki as it worked.
well i guss that sort off confirmed the way i felt about my self but at that age i could not connect the dots but now it felt right.

as my sister got older the chances to play dress up became less and less but the need grow and grow
by the time i was in my teens it was the begging of the 80s a grate time to be gender vereant and experimentation begin witch gave my mother much to worry about but my younger sister thort it was cool :-)
By the time i was 20 i was living on my own home and apart from a very bloke job i live the rest of the time as a girl there wasn’t a trans seen like there is today.
So i just came out to my Female friends who bless them took me under there wings like a younger sister and helped me become the person i should of been and included me in there social group
so in effect i was living the life i should off been leading apart from this thing called work so he was paying all her bills and boy can she shop lol
this glorious life lasted for 4 years until interest rates when to 15% witch like anyone in the 90's how was baying a house made life difficult and led to me working something like 95 hours a week just to keep a roof over my head and left no time for Nikki or very little survival was the name of the game this came at the same time as i had a referral to charring cross hospital as i new i should be Nikki completely not one thing or the other.
but life is cruel and having to work ment i had to put all thort’s off Nikki on the back shelve for now and survive.
during this time i meet the most wound full person in the world and thort I had cracked it I had some one that loved me she was beautiful and all thorts off Nikki left me at that time and i was normal ( what ever that is ) and for 16 years i was someone else did all sorts off the most bloky things just to prove i has him ( it didn’t work ) there where some very good time during this life but there was always a feeling off wrongness ( when my 2 boy where born was a mixed time my partner shut me out completely to start with and i was jellus off her having the little one as they should of groune inside  me but i still love them so much and i would not of had them if i had transitioned in earlier life and spending lost off time caring for them when they where small was so fulfilling and i still go gag gag over little people today ) .

I cannot say that thorts off being the true me never entered my head as that would be lying as they where always there.
About 7 years ago i became ill and it left me with a bells paulze witch made my face drop on my right side and it looked like i had had a stroke and my only thort witch rocked me to the core was i could never be me again looking like this it took me 4 months to regain the use off my face and a lot off sole searching 
I did not won’t to abandon my family that i loved but i needed to be me living as him had drain the life out of me i was just going throw the motions off being a married person with kids lost in doing everything for everyone else and never being me it was putting me into a deeper and deeper depression that i didn’t admit to myself let alone anyone else being trans teaches you to hide the person you realy are and you become good at it.
but i could not do this any longer but i could not just be selfish and leave my family :-( to say i was low was an understatement.

in the late summer my partner always took the children away with her parent’s for a week
this year the day they went away i went out to by some things i needed and came home with the cloths i wonted instead only 2 outfits and it was only to wear at home while they where away that would just take the edge off ( yes you all know what happened next lol) well by the end off the week i had been out shopping in with the muggels and found a tranny meeting near Newbury and i never looked back for 7 years i juggled being the family person and snatching time to be me
to my grate shame hiding this activity from the one I loved but developing as myself my ex partner is an evangelical Christian and would never except a trans person as a partner after 7 years she found my cloths just before xmas lets say we had had a very difficult xmas for the kids sake.
and then she told me she could no longer be with me so we have lived in the same house for 6 months’ while the divorce has gone throw so much pain on both are parts
this stage off my life is now ending and in the next 2 weeks i should be in my own home again and have my boys every other weekend Nikki will be free to live her live but at what cost 

11 comments:

Jenny said...

Hi Nikki, and welcome to Blogger!

It's cathartic to write it all down, isn't it. At least it has been for me this last year or so, so I hope it becomes so for you.

Just as you've been there for us, and we really appreciate that, we're here for you too. You know that.

Jenny

Nikki T said...

Thanks Jenny
you and V are good friends and i now you are there for me its what friends do for each other :-)
and yes there are time you just need to get thing out into the open
I hope it was a good opening post :-)

Leslie Ann said...

A lot of story there, Nikki, but much of it rings true for me, as well. My marriage is still going, but to say that the last three years have been tense is an understatement. My wife hates that her husband is less than the man she thought, and wants nothing to do with it. I am lucky that she turns a blind eye to some degree, allowing me a little space to be myself.

A good start! Blogging is great therapy.

Stace said...

Hi there and welcome to the blogsphere...

Getting the thoughts out has helped me a huge amount over the last 3 years - from a diary in the beginning to a blog that I started a couple of years ago. As Jenny says, I hope that you have the same experience with your blog.

I'm sorry to hear where your story is, that is a huge cost.

Sterkte,
Stace

Anonymous said...

It's hard enough being T something at the best of tines but the last few months must have been very difficult for you.

It seems that whenever we try to make our lives more bearable we sometimes hurt the ones we love the most.

I hope that the next few weeks pass as smoothly as possible and you find your feet in your new home.

It might be hard to look to the future at the moment but I hope that you can see that maybe there will be a time when you can live as you were meant to and be free of the GID that plagues so many of us.

My thoughts are with you

Becca

Aka Rebecca Pink

Halle said...

There are as many different stories as there are people here, but all so similar.
Personally, there is no way I could have survived much longer without sharing who I really am with others and blogging has been a huge part of that.
Welcome to the world of blogging Nikki.
Halle

Nikki T said...

Thanks All for the welcome

it is good to put this down
my life has been in limdo for the past 6 months and i have only servived becouse off my friends from th T comunity

Thank you all for you kind words off welcome

the stage is set so watch this space you all now somthing will happen

hugs

Nikki

Lisa Maria said...

Well you are on your path now and the future can be anything you want it to be. :-)
I have a feeling I met you when out for dinner with Jenny recently for a Chinese??

Calie said...

Hi Nikki, and welcome to the blogging world. Your story is so similar to so many others. You're not alone in this world and you have a good friend in Jenny.

I wish you well, girl. Keep the faith.

Calie xxx

April said...

Dear Nikki,

Thank you for sharing your story.

It is a hard road that anyone coming out or transitioning must travel. But don't forget there is hope and joy to faound also.

Hugs,

April

Nikki T said...

Hi Lisa
yes it was me you meet in Glos and it was a good night :-)

hugs Nikki