Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Some Good news for a change :-)

ok its not much but anying helps at the moment
as i have already said iam a contractor and I have had My contract extended to the end on december :-) at least i have some money coming in that help

I have spent the weekend packing and sorting stuff out
i have to get an old dead car moved and then pack the stuff iam not takeing into the garage
so things are starting to come tgether

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Tempery plan in place

ok so my house perchace and being oushed out of the family home are not going to marry up thats just my luck at the moment.
but thanks to a friend from work i have a roof over my head and have nogocated keeping som of my stuf in the garage of the family home so at least for a munth it looks like i should be ok and the house perchace should be done by then
thanks to every one for there support its been a tough cuple of days

Friday, May 27, 2011

A stressfull day

Things have been bissy today
I first when to the estate agent and layed down the situation again and told them that things needed to happen fast or i will be out on the streets on the 7th of June
("Belive me this girl dose not like the ideea off being homeless")
saying if i have to rent some where to stay i would have to pull out of the perchase of the house as i would be tyed into a 6 munth leace so would time me house perchace for then ( not what i wount this happen but one has to threten just to get things moving).
stateing that untill i have a date to move in i will start look for a differant property as i can not see this one going to completion. ( yes i no Iam saber rateling his personas quite good for that lol)  

On the plus side my friends have rallyed around again and i have had some offes of places to stay most off them where not that practical but i do aprecat them its times like this that you find out who your friends are and mine are the best anyone can have thay have keeped me going throw out all off this all i can do is thank them :-) and that dosenot seem enuf

 one of the guys i work has just converted his house form a 5 bed to a 3 bed and a 2 bed house and has offered me the the use of the 2 bed for a cupel of munths if i need it so thats a big plus nikki time will be restricted but it has been anyway
I will have a roof over my head with out being teyd into a long lees i will still need to find some where for my furniture but i am working on that .

i seem to of gotten the eastate agent in a frense as thay are calling every one and emailing like crezzy
and it looks like we mint be able to get things working mayby not in time but soon after
Iam not counting my chickens thow watch this space its a bumpy ride at the moment
Who need Eastenders or Corry you have my mess of a life to follow lol trying to keep smiling

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Things see so black at the moment

Why is it when you think things are nerly sorted
somthing has to come along and upset the apple cart

I had aranged the house move for friday the 10th of june
I am funding the perchace of my new home from my dovorce
and the money from the house we both owned out right
the money iam getting is far less then 50% and iam not taking much out of the house as the Kids still live there
But it will pay for the the new house  so i will not have a morgage
we have delt with the finacal setalment and she has to let me have the money by the 7th of june
tonight she says you will have to move out on the 7th and will not budge
so if i can not rearange the move to monday the 6th it looks like i am going to be home less  for 3 days
the seperasion has been like this all the way throw  6 months off compleet hell
this will mean i will have to take time off work and iam self employed so i will loss a lot off money
aswell she is just making every thing as difficult as posiblem just to spite me :-(

Starting to move forwoords

I will be moving in to My own House away form the Family home with in the next 2 weeks

This is a time off mixed feeling Grate Joy in being o my own and away from the My X and her bitter feeelings towords me ( living in this limbo land for the last 6 months ).
but grate sadness i did not wount to cause her so much hurt and pain i truly marred her for life and still have grate fellings for her even if the prosses off dovorce have made are relasionship even more strained than thay where already

But the most important thig is my Boys thay mean so much to me and i now that leaveing them is the hardist thing i will ever do my ex is being an ar*** and is making access to them as difficult as posible
makeing it imposible for me to have them for more than both afternoons every other weekend this will make haveing them overnight imposible and restrict what and where i can tack them :-(

but all i can do at this point is look forwood to moving and setting up my new home I have already got most of the furniture i need and kitchen shuff
Things will be a bit basic for a littel while but it will be my home where i can be me

Monday, May 23, 2011

a life but not as most would no it

Well Where do i Start a potted history sounds Good

( Please Note Iam Dyslexic so I apologogize for my spelling from the start)

I have to admit iam a trans women and my life has changed and is still changing

I will not start with the normal trans story off ( I always now i was a girl trapped in a boys body ) that’s that out of the way.

I just grow up in a loving normal family the second child how got on well with my older sister and always played with her and proffered to play her games from skipping to playing dress up \mums hospitals and the like yes i did the boy things as well but only because it was expected of me.

my first time publicly out in girl mode was when i was 8 we had family to stay and i was playing with my sister and 2 female cousins and i was dressed in hot pants and a halter neck top and daps ( plimsolls to those that are posh) and we were going out for the day to a wildlife park
my mum said your not going like that but the rest of the girls said yes she is no boys on this trip and my mum just checked i was ok with this :-)
I said i was and the 2 families when and had a good day it was such a good day for me every one we meet just thort i was one off the girls and it just felt right to be out and about as me on a sunny day with the family calling me Nikki as it worked.
well i guss that sort off confirmed the way i felt about my self but at that age i could not connect the dots but now it felt right.

as my sister got older the chances to play dress up became less and less but the need grow and grow
by the time i was in my teens it was the begging of the 80s a grate time to be gender vereant and experimentation begin witch gave my mother much to worry about but my younger sister thort it was cool :-)
By the time i was 20 i was living on my own home and apart from a very bloke job i live the rest of the time as a girl there wasn’t a trans seen like there is today.
So i just came out to my Female friends who bless them took me under there wings like a younger sister and helped me become the person i should of been and included me in there social group
so in effect i was living the life i should off been leading apart from this thing called work so he was paying all her bills and boy can she shop lol
this glorious life lasted for 4 years until interest rates when to 15% witch like anyone in the 90's how was baying a house made life difficult and led to me working something like 95 hours a week just to keep a roof over my head and left no time for Nikki or very little survival was the name of the game this came at the same time as i had a referral to charring cross hospital as i new i should be Nikki completely not one thing or the other.
but life is cruel and having to work ment i had to put all thort’s off Nikki on the back shelve for now and survive.
during this time i meet the most wound full person in the world and thort I had cracked it I had some one that loved me she was beautiful and all thorts off Nikki left me at that time and i was normal ( what ever that is ) and for 16 years i was someone else did all sorts off the most bloky things just to prove i has him ( it didn’t work ) there where some very good time during this life but there was always a feeling off wrongness ( when my 2 boy where born was a mixed time my partner shut me out completely to start with and i was jellus off her having the little one as they should of groune inside  me but i still love them so much and i would not of had them if i had transitioned in earlier life and spending lost off time caring for them when they where small was so fulfilling and i still go gag gag over little people today ) .

I cannot say that thorts off being the true me never entered my head as that would be lying as they where always there.
About 7 years ago i became ill and it left me with a bells paulze witch made my face drop on my right side and it looked like i had had a stroke and my only thort witch rocked me to the core was i could never be me again looking like this it took me 4 months to regain the use off my face and a lot off sole searching 
I did not won’t to abandon my family that i loved but i needed to be me living as him had drain the life out of me i was just going throw the motions off being a married person with kids lost in doing everything for everyone else and never being me it was putting me into a deeper and deeper depression that i didn’t admit to myself let alone anyone else being trans teaches you to hide the person you realy are and you become good at it.
but i could not do this any longer but i could not just be selfish and leave my family :-( to say i was low was an understatement.

in the late summer my partner always took the children away with her parent’s for a week
this year the day they went away i went out to by some things i needed and came home with the cloths i wonted instead only 2 outfits and it was only to wear at home while they where away that would just take the edge off ( yes you all know what happened next lol) well by the end off the week i had been out shopping in with the muggels and found a tranny meeting near Newbury and i never looked back for 7 years i juggled being the family person and snatching time to be me
to my grate shame hiding this activity from the one I loved but developing as myself my ex partner is an evangelical Christian and would never except a trans person as a partner after 7 years she found my cloths just before xmas lets say we had had a very difficult xmas for the kids sake.
and then she told me she could no longer be with me so we have lived in the same house for 6 months’ while the divorce has gone throw so much pain on both are parts
this stage off my life is now ending and in the next 2 weeks i should be in my own home again and have my boys every other weekend Nikki will be free to live her live but at what cost