Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Tomorrows a big day

haveing moved to my new house and living full time while inbetween jobs

I whent to see my new doctor 2 weeks ago just for a normal checkup non trans related
but i was dressed and i have to say he was more than helpfull but we only had time to skirt over my gender dysphoria  but whanted to go throw it with me in a seperat appiontmnent so i have made a duble appiontment
and will be going to see him tomorrow
I have earlyer this year had this conversation with my old docter but thats as far as he would tack things
So i no this is going to be a repeet but my new doc seems to have a good understanding off what trans people need as he already has trans people on his books.
so wish me luck its the first mager step but an important one i have made to many fauls strats in life
now is the time to move forwoords :-)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

well things have changed a lot

Sorry i havent bloged for a few week but life has changed a bit

My contract was cut short at work so iam now looking for a new job :-(
 but thats life as a comtractor
so this has left me with no reson not to be me
for about 1 1/2 months now apart from job intervews and haveing my kids every other week i have spent the rest of the time Fem and now it is very hard to even think of going back to him mode .
that means 24/7 her and boy dos tyhat feel good.

So i am finaly living as a should

I havd done everything as me even been to my doctors
for a normal  checkup and had him jumping throw hops to be helpfull iam going back to see him next week to descus my gender identity and he is talking about local phyc apointment and telling me there is no problem with funding in my area the practice already has 3 Trans people on the books 2 post op and 1 pre
As this is a new doctor to me after moving house it looks like i have fallen on my feet :-)

I have had some job interverw but no job just yet
I have even been to 2 interbvews drerssed properly so its looking less and less like ly i will be reterning to him if i can get a job \ contract as the real me 

The only problem will be the Ex's reaction as she will more than likely try to stop me seeing the kids
so life has changed

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Blokie Shoes YuK

Well to day i have spent most of the days in meeting had to dress blokie bissness suit ( Ok work is still blokie but not this blokie yuk)  and tie job
I have never don this look well but its the shoes how do men do it thay wighe a ton fell all klumpee
i tend to do trainers in bob mode these days and flip flops and balay pumps and nice heels as it summer at the moment so mens trad laceup shoes are just horrid how can thay stand them are that somthing whay just indure to prove thay are so macho it beone me and thay look horrid

Monday, July 25, 2011

Bizzy few Weeks

For the last few weekends i have been seeing my Boy one day and sorting thing the other day
and still trying to recover financaily from the seperasion and moving into my own home

this weekend i didnot have my boys So i had my some friends over for the weekend
thay are living in socail housing and its a flat thay are desperat to get rehoused as thay have had some hasel with some of the naburse over him being trans and the person that lives above him is just inconciderat and makes noise from moring to night K is also a wheel chair user.
 He is F to M and His partner is Lovile thay have supported me throw thick and thin 
So it was nice to be able to have them over to my house for the weekend as there new home hunting has not been going well
 K likes Mortor bikes and as my home town has a large bike show ever year and that was this weekend K was glad to spend the day looking around the show this meant i had to do this in Bob mode as i no far to maniy people that do not no Nikki side of me but it was still a good day.
Seeing all or most of the Bikes i had owned in a perveus life ( CBX, 400 4, Moreni 3 1/2 ect) yes to you that now old bikes you must be as old as me if you now these bikes lol
but it was a nice relaxed day and i got to see many old freinds and do some people watching from the weekend biker types to the mugel that had just come into town just to get there shopping to fined there town full of bikers.

and then back home to sepend the evning chilling watching Avitar and chating after a nice home made Lasgnea ,salad and Garlic Bread a chance for them to just relax away from there stress of there home situasion with a nice class or 2 off cider or beer.
Sunday was a lateish start with me having that me time i was in need off cooking a rost Garlic Chickin rost Potatos and steemed veg and a day off chating and enjoying time with friends we where that full that the cheescake had to waite till tea time but was enjoyed all the more becouse of the waite after tea  i took my friends home to bristol .
all in all a very relaxed time :-)   

Monday, July 4, 2011

Fun in the sun :-)

On saturday i had my boys and we had a good time just around my house 
thay played with the toys i have here for tham and we whent to the park
all in bob mode but its worth it to see my littel ones :-)
it was just good to spend the day with them.
I droped them off at the ex's at about 8pm whent home and changed into somthing comfee as my friend Nicki B come around to see my new home and we had a drink and a nice chat she has been one off my friends that has keept me going over the last 6 munths and it was good to catchup and to show her my new home " thanks Nicki you have been a brick "

Sunday i got up and sorted the house a bit and started lunch Roast Pork and all the trimings
Jenny and V where coming around so i had offered to do some food late luinch \eavning meal
thay arived about 3 pm house all uptogether and food nearly done what a domestic godess iam LOL
just had to wait for the Potatoes to finish off ( i have not got this oven figered out yet seems to cook a bit slowly at times ) it was realy nice to see them and shair a meal with them pure Jenny was driving but this didnt stop me and V injoying a nice glass or 2 of roseay :-) makes a nice change for me to be able to have a drink as iam normaly driving :-)
The food soon seemed to vanish even with my pure porsion size ( i do like to make sure people are feed non of this nuvo quiseen at chae Nikki :-) more Farm house feast lol)
Jenny had driven the rusty old reck down and whanted to go see a friend that lived in the same town as me so me and v sat and chatted with her going throw my wordrobe saying i like that and that saying she thinks i have more  than enugh cloths to go full time and all are just normal girl cloths not tranny tat
 we chated makup and other Girly stuff about what sort of ear rings i wount when my ears have healed ( 1 week in and all going well :-))
It was good to talk I realize how important my friends are to me thay have replaced my family in so many ways my main battels may be over but i still need there support and all i can do is thank them
well Jenny came back from playing boy time loL and got told by V that we where haveing Girl talk time lol we sat and talked some more it was good to have them there a realy nice day and it feelt good to have feed them i gess there is a Mum in me that just whant to feed every one that comes around lol.
all to soon thay had to go :-( but it had been a good day and thay helped with the washing up thay can come again soon i hope ).
So yes my life seems to be settling down for the mean time no dramers at the moment :-)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

What a fab weekend

Well 4 days with some work time in the midel :-(

well tursday i have already bloged about
friday was workin the day so back to him :-( but home early home and get changed and out to bristol to pickup a trans man friend and his partner to go out for a meal as it was hids berthday on thursday
we when to a very nice all you can eat east asian resterant in bristol where we meet some mort frends and some of K's frends Kris and partner hes F to M and a gent and his partner we all had a good time chating making new frends and catching up with old friends :-) its always good to do that

Saturday I had to be up early got dressed and had had brekfast just about to go do my makeup when the doorbell went  i didt think just whent to the door and it was JW's a woman and her dauter i keept it short just said own you look like JW's sorry not interested but she push so i said I dont think you would except me and she insisted that thay would ( so i outed my self saying oww do thay exceppt trans people these days ) with witch she whe nt bright red and made her excuses to leve as i was also contering her word from her bible if thats what she calls it LOL

with her dispatched very politly i whent and sorted my self out and made my way over to swindon and did a bit of food shopping for a bbq i was going to in oxford held by the most woundifull Trans woman you could ever meet Dawn is like everyones mum / granny and it was a grate day catching up with old friends and making some new one i have only ever meet on line before but it was nice to see them in the flesh
what a full day i arrived at the bbq at about 2pm and left after helping clen up at about 1:30 after taking jenny and yicky home witch meen i got home at about 3 am still a grate day

I got up and when food shopping enfem ofcource not a look from the mugels :-)
and then home to make lunch for some friends who came to see my new house its so nice to entertain
I made a lasegne and salad and we sat in the garden to eat in the sun shine :-) thanks Suzzy and Neave it was so good to see you.
so apart from work on friday that was 4 days as me :-) i can see this happening quite offten  

Friday, June 24, 2011

Nikki in the real world again

Well what a day yesterday

I had half a day off work to go to the hospital just for a checkup  non T related
I have joked with the staff at the clinic last year saying i may wear a skirt next time and thay said thats not a problem so i held them to there world and whent as me and it wasant a problem
Thay treated my with respect and the girl i normaly see just said you look good like this do i need to change your details to reflect this :-)
i just said "not yet"

so after my checkup i when in to the center of bristol and did some shopping with the manditory coffee stop at starbuks for a granday Hazal nut skinny latee :-) Yumeeeeee
so i passed one claires and than another and then passed that one again well in i whent to have a look and before i new it i was asking about getting my ears pierced and was sat in the chaire with the girl doing it saying so you have been using clipons all this time I dont think she read me at all  so now i have gold studs in my ears and iam well pleased with them just got to keep them clean and keep the studs in till thay heal properly and i will probably stay away from dangaly earings for a good 6 months
so this week nikki has been around 2 evnings and 1 half day and evning and she is off out tonight and will be around all day saturday as iam off to a friends BBQ on saturday in Oxford and have some friends poping around on sunday so another Nikki day so he is being left to go to work only at the moment just as it should be let him earn the money and i can spend it lol  

Monday, June 20, 2011

Sunday a chance to be Me

As I didnot have the Kids as i thort i was going to :-(
I woke up early and had a shower ( dan thing keeps going hot then cold then hot then cold ( ok freezing) then hot then cold then hot then cold )
I have a new shower to replace it just need to do it Pluming not somthing i enjoy
plus i dont whant to wreck my nails haveing done tham the night before

so got dressed first time as the true me in my new home had some toast and tea for breky
looke around and that new mirror realy needs putting up wheres a man when you need one :-)
Whats a Girl to do so off to the garage i go get out the tools
I hang the mirror a good job done and it makes so mush differance to the lounge :-)
I than clean up the mess made by drilling holes in the walls and spot the new shower so i open the box and  figger out what else i need to fit the shower mainly an push fit pipe joiner and some plactic trunking
so now i find my self off to the diy store in the next town to find the things i need i was in the plubming secsion looking for the right fitting when some bloke said "what you looking for love "
( :-) sexist pig but it was nice even if he was ugly he seemed a bit serprised when i picked up the thing i needed and said its ok i have what i need  but thanks for asking :-) giving him a smileas i walked away )
then off to pickup the rest of the things i needed and a new door bell as the one at the house donot work
then pay and off home i had a bit of lunch and tured off the water and power to the shower whent upstairs
an hour and a half later the shower was changed and working only the cleaning up to do so cleand the bathroom completly and was pleased with what i had done
putting the tools away i remembered the doorbell as it was a wireless one i only needed to change the push switch out side the frunt door
wile i was changing the switch my new nauber came out of her house and said hellow as she passed and i said hello back ( the first time meeting her inany mode )
so i ended the day with a pizza and a few glasses wine feeling very tyered but proude of my self for doing all that today as my self and not wrecking my nails in the prosses ( its was a shame i had to take of the polish for work this morning my toes are still pritty thoew :-)
Yes i probably throw my self into doing all this becouse i was missing my kids but it workied and i did somthing productive and it was a new expieriance for me to do these things as me more every day by the day the boundrys are begining to merge

Bittersweet weekend

My Ex is already causing problems and has totaly renaged on the agreement to access to the children
witch i was not happy with as it was as i understood it every other weekend saturday and sunday afternoons
she is now saying that its saturday or sunday not both she is just yousing the kids as a whay to get to me :-(  how petty and small minded do you get .
So i dod not have the boy on both days just Saturday for 8 hours I had got the boys sometoys to keep at my house and an Xbox with some games not my cup of tea but i no its what thay like it may off cost a lot of money but it was to make them feel at home and the house is all up together and thay both have a bed room that is set up for them and thay loved the place and being there with me
we whent to the local park witch is about 300 yards away and thay had a good time playing with thwere neww toys and being with me made me very happy to have them inmy home made it feel complet
thay may off eaten me out of house and home and turned the place into a tip (lol it wasant that bad )
but you no what kids are like  Taking themback for 8pm was hard for me and them with them saying things like why carnt we stay at your house and all i coukld say was there not my rules and why carnt we see you tommorw this is ant working for us ( this nearly had me in tiers and broke my hart I love my kids so much and the Ex can not see she is hurting them more than me i can understand that she is tring to get to me by restricting my access to the kids but all she is doing is building up problems for the future as the kids will remember this as her stopping them from seeing me and thats what hurt .
Its not there fault that we split up and thay should not be used as a wepen against me its not fare on them
I have had two calls from the boys on sunday with them being upset that thay are not with me its so hard to here your child being upset and not being able to give them a cudel to make it allright
somuch for doing things amicably I will have to get incontact with my solicitor and start making a case for proper access as this is not working for the Kids ( and thay are the most important ones here) or my
its so sad that she cant keep to what we agreed to in the first place i am not a bad perant i have provided a good home so i can have my kids and i pay my way i even pay half a munth inadvance becouse i gat payed mid mounth
and she still treats me and the kids like this what an eval cow why did i try so hard for my problem not to effect her for so long and totaly mess my self up for her only to have every thing kiked in my face at every chance :-(
but the time i had with the boys was fantastic manie cudels and much fun and laufter so a bitter sweet weekend

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

It Good to Be Supportive :-)

Lats Night I whent to See some Friends who now have nown nikki for a ling time
to let them no i had moved
There 17 year old dauter did not no about Nikki but we have always been close as these are good friends who meet throw me and ruth was won of my close friends in my 20's and we where alway acussed of being sisters when out on the town and graham was a friend from work
so to K I have always been like and uncal/ant when she whanted to lern to suba dive i got her to join the club i am a member of and traind her to dive and budy with her on many a dive so we have always been close.
She is just about to take her A levels and her unie place is riding on her results
so she is under a lot of pressure and her and her perants are rubing sparks off each other
the pure lass was more worried that she would let everyone else down and her perants where putting on presser for her to keep studding but this was making her feel worse
the topic came up and there was the normal pernt child spat over revising
the pure littel one was getting in a right state 2 days away from her phycolagy exam she had no one to talk to about how it was going and her perants where just getting pushy with her becouse thay are worred as all perant worry that there kids will not get the results thay requier
so i gave her a cuddel and aksed her about it but not in a judging way as she was obvasly strugaling with some part of her revision but at leat i had don the same subject 20 years a go and could understand what she was talking about.
so i sent her perants away and had a littel chat first telling her she was doing the exams for herself so a herdel to get her on the course she realy whants to do at uni and makeing her feel good about her self
and making a plan on how she could best use the rervision time to help her she did most of the talking
and then came out the books and we when throw some of the bits she was having problems with and worked throw them with me just being there for her to sounse ideas off  an hour and half later she had worked throw the bits that worried her and she whanted to chat about my situation as she nows who i am and she bless her siad she was happy she had an anty Nikki and wounts to meet her properly next time
i have lent her a set of keys to my house so if she needs to go some where else to revise
shes a good kid trying to deal with all the pressuer are exam system puts on kids her age and perants that love her but put to much pressur on her becouse thay whant the best for her.
i also had a quiate word with them saying give her space she's a good  kid that is working had but feels under so much presuer i can only hope i have helped    

Monday, June 13, 2011

I now have a Home :-) not just a house

Well what a bizzy weekend

Saturday was The Big Move in Day :-)
A friend from Muggel land ( non trans and would probably not undersatand ) Helped me move my thinks from the family home to my new place ( I do like Driving Transit Vans 2 days hier verry usfull )

two trips and every thing moved  box City house stuff in the house and garage stuffing the garage
A good morrnings work at this time suezy arrived shes the wife of atrans friend and a real good friend who bless her hart spent two days helping me unpack boxes quickly getting the kitchen and living room up and runing and helping with building some off the flat pack furniture
and set up one of the beds so i had some where to sleep  a very bizzy day but a functioning house

The next moring ( I over slept I was just getting UP when Suzy came back)
This morings Mission if we chose to excepit was Back in the Transit ( a perfect Van for some one with gender disforia LoL) and off to Ikea again to by a dubel bed and matrus ( new Bed for Me :-) ) a singel matruse for a bed frame i had in the house ,  unit for the lounge, bed side cabients, coffee table and Suzy need 2 wardrobs herself  Good job we had a big van :-)
( i have to admit thank God for Ikea it has alowed me to furnish me house quickly with good furnituer that has not cost me the earth )

we arrived back at Home and unloaded some of the stuff from the van built the Unit for the lounge and Jenny and her better half arrived  and helped me to unload the rest off the furnitur suzys wordrobes in to her car and the rest into the house ( and it hadent stopped raining when we where unloading the stuff) the 4 of us split into 2 teams and built the 2 wardrobs i have already to build and the rest of the stuff from the van by 4 :30 we had drank lots off tea and coffee and built every thing bar 1 of the wardrob and a singel bed frame in the small room.
Sadly Suzy had to go whitch was sad as she had been such a grate help to me in getting the house uptogether so quicky i just could not of done it my self  without her help in the Time  you are a star Hun :-)

More Tea more building by 8pm we had all the fruniture built and I needed to take the van back so jenny followed me and we droped the off and whent to a fab chinees takaway run by a friend off mine and got some yummy food to go with the beer and wine we had in the fridge we sat at my yes My !!!!! Dining table and eat a nice meal togather and spent the evning talking its so good to have friends that help and like your company :-) makes me feel specail somthing I havent felt for a while
I no I keep saying this but its my friends that have keeped me going in the last 6 muths and all i can do is thank tham and words are not enugh to express my greatitude thay have all been amassing !!!!!!!

Now I dont just have a House I have a home My Home :-) with furnituer and it dosent look like i have just started again.

Jenny and V where both falling asleep on the settee and i must abmit i wasnt far behind them ( bellys full of good food , yummy drink and good company makes a very content Nikki )
It was nice that i could just offer them a bed for the night in stead of them haveing to drive home for an hour i was very pleased that thay dicidded to stay  I would of only worried about them if thay had gone home at that time it was getting close to 1 am

Thanks to my Frieds Tim, Suzzy, Jenny and V for all there help this weekend you have all been amazing  XXX

Nikki ( A Very Happy Girl )

Friday, June 10, 2011

What a differance a day makes 24 littel houre :-)

Stress What stress

I picked up the Keys to my new Home at 3 pm Yesterday :-)
today it feels like i have had a 50 tone waight lifted off of my shoulders is an under statment.

Yesterday morning I sware time was runing slow very slow or i was in a paralle univers
I had a bizzy day at work and was runing to stand still with lost of problems that normaly meant time flys but not yasterday
I fixed lots of peoples problems.
but time still stood still eventuly at 13:25 i got the call i was waiting for :-) :-) from my soliciter to say i could pick up the Keys I phoned some friends that i think where on tender hooks as much as i was
but still had to work till 3pm before i could go and get the keys :-(
But some users had problems that needed fixing and i had to be profesional (after all thats what thay pay this silly tart for lol ) and i need the money Yesterday was a very expencive day probably the most money i have ever spent in 1 day ( the house is mine all mine , mine ,mine ,mine Yippy )
so back to the tail sorrry iam still a bit excited :-) well maby just a bit just a littel bit lol

so at 3pm i left work when to the bank to get some money to pay for the the furniture i have drought from the selers ( 5 seat corner sette in red , fridge/freeser,gas cooker,washing mashien ,
1/2 size dishwasher all for £600 what a bargin and a big help in getting me set up )
then on to the eastate agent to to pickup the keys and passon the money for the stuff :-) I am a house owners again let me just say that again i own a house its not as big as iam used to but its all mine

As i was leaveing the Eastat Agent my phone rings and it was my friend Alyison she askeed where i was and i said i had just picked up the keys and was going back to the car she asked where i was parked and said she would meet me there  i got to the car and she was there with a lovily bukay of folwers  :-) and a card what a start she followed me to the house and says i skiped dome the path i was a bit exsitted and we had a good look around the house as i showed her around it just felt grate to no this house was my new home
Aly had to get off so then i was there on my own so i started cleaning throw the kitchen as you do
and an houre later Aly called and said come over as she had done sone food witch was very nice after tea we talked for a bit and then i when back to the house and called friends and family to let them no i had the house

before going back to the tempary place to sleep
as per the tital what a differance a day makes
I will be moving in over the weekend i have a van hiered and some friends to help
going throw this has made me realize that prosesions are just things ( i have left so much stuff back at the family home that i dont need )
Its all just stuff and what has been important to me and continus to be important is friends tthay have keeped me going throw the tugh bits when i could so easly have sunk
Role on tomorrow the Rest of my life Starts hear lets hope my luck has changed to :-)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ultimatum seems to have done something :-)

this afternoon i recived a call from the eastate agent saying
that the people i am bying from are going to brake the chain
and move out and let me have the house tomorrow :-)
so i will collect the keys tomorrow and movin over the weekend i hope
there are no more holdups fingers crossed

My blog reads like a bad soap opera lets hope things get better from hear
thank you all for your support

what can go worng will go worng :-(

Yeasterday was a complet and utter disaster !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thort i was moving into my new home
I had aken the day off work
I hiered a van
I friends son was going to help me move
but at 9:30 am i got the call from my soliciter that i didnot wount to hear
the people iam bying froms morgage company had refused to release the money for them to bye the house thay are moving into becouse there was a boundry quiry on the house thay are bying.
so the move was on hold i had to be out of the family home that day with nowhere to go.
I spent most off the moring on the phone hammering on the eastate agents desk and well throwing my toys out of the pram all to no avial .
fortunatly i had a plan b in place a friend from work has an empty 1 bedroom anex on his house and has let me stay there for a short while and i have had to nogocate with my ex to let me keep all off the rest of my things in the garage at the family home this is far from ideal but at least i have a roof over my haed for now.
but still with no sign of when the perchce will go throw
so to day i have given them an ultimatum thay have 24 hures to exchange and i need to complet on the property by friday if thay can not do this i will be withdrawing from the perchace
and i have already seen a house around the corner that there is no chain and as i am a cash byer thay can complet with in 2 weeks so lets hope it dosnt come to that .
can my life get any lower
this morning i had a shower and when to dry my hair anf the new hair dryer dyed as soon as i switched it on :-( iam so stressed
thanks to Jenny and her other half for cocking me a meal and giving losts of hugs as that helped last night  

Monday, June 6, 2011

what you can get done from work :-)

well i have sorted out what utilitys provider iam going to use and set that up and home insurance
two more thinings ticked off the list and whent out lunch time and got a usb mobil braudband  dongel so i can stay on the net :-) thing are comeing together fingers crossed

bitter sweet weekend

Well what a time off mixed fellings
I have spent the weeked packing up my things and seperating that iam taking form the family home ready to move tomorrow.
its made me realize that alot of what we have is just stuff and this is a chanse for me to declutter iam only taking the bear minimum from the house as its my Boys home and i donot wount to leave it striped and them feel like there home is distroyed
Most of the things iam taking are my personal things hifi 1 off the 3 tv's my cd's cloths and tools far to many tools .

as i say its mixed feeling

Relif becouse i will be in my own home and away from the bitterness that i have lived with for
6 months

Sadness at leaving me 2 doys behined that is going to be very difficult to beal with 

Freedome to be myself again with out restrictions not hiding the true me ( how long to full time i ask my self  ??)

fear off being alone i no i have lived alone before but the thort of being alone is hared as i need some one to care for and would love to be care for in a loving relasion ship but that will have to be in the distant future as iam to much of a mess at this time

worry over money i no i will be ok in the long tearm but its going to be diffficult for some time setting up a new home from scrach is expencive and i admit i have expencive tasts in stuff .

but in less than 24 hours i will be in my new home  wish me luck :-)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

thinks could be looking up

I have had some good new today
after throwing my toys out of the pram contiualy for the last 4 days
looks like i have managed to get the moving in date to the 7th the same day that i have to move
this will make life so much easyer fingers crossed there are no more unforseen problems

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Maby some good news

It looks like My house purchace may go throw on the Friday 10th of June

witch is very good but iam am still have to be out of the family home on the 7th of june
so lets hope there are no moor delays and thats how it happens
as i have planes in place for a short time fingers crossed 

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Some Good news for a change :-)

ok its not much but anying helps at the moment
as i have already said iam a contractor and I have had My contract extended to the end on december :-) at least i have some money coming in that help

I have spent the weekend packing and sorting stuff out
i have to get an old dead car moved and then pack the stuff iam not takeing into the garage
so things are starting to come tgether

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Tempery plan in place

ok so my house perchace and being oushed out of the family home are not going to marry up thats just my luck at the moment.
but thanks to a friend from work i have a roof over my head and have nogocated keeping som of my stuf in the garage of the family home so at least for a munth it looks like i should be ok and the house perchace should be done by then
thanks to every one for there support its been a tough cuple of days

Friday, May 27, 2011

A stressfull day

Things have been bissy today
I first when to the estate agent and layed down the situation again and told them that things needed to happen fast or i will be out on the streets on the 7th of June
("Belive me this girl dose not like the ideea off being homeless")
saying if i have to rent some where to stay i would have to pull out of the perchase of the house as i would be tyed into a 6 munth leace so would time me house perchace for then ( not what i wount this happen but one has to threten just to get things moving).
stateing that untill i have a date to move in i will start look for a differant property as i can not see this one going to completion. ( yes i no Iam saber rateling his personas quite good for that lol)  

On the plus side my friends have rallyed around again and i have had some offes of places to stay most off them where not that practical but i do aprecat them its times like this that you find out who your friends are and mine are the best anyone can have thay have keeped me going throw out all off this all i can do is thank them :-) and that dosenot seem enuf

 one of the guys i work has just converted his house form a 5 bed to a 3 bed and a 2 bed house and has offered me the the use of the 2 bed for a cupel of munths if i need it so thats a big plus nikki time will be restricted but it has been anyway
I will have a roof over my head with out being teyd into a long lees i will still need to find some where for my furniture but i am working on that .

i seem to of gotten the eastate agent in a frense as thay are calling every one and emailing like crezzy
and it looks like we mint be able to get things working mayby not in time but soon after
Iam not counting my chickens thow watch this space its a bumpy ride at the moment
Who need Eastenders or Corry you have my mess of a life to follow lol trying to keep smiling

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Things see so black at the moment

Why is it when you think things are nerly sorted
somthing has to come along and upset the apple cart

I had aranged the house move for friday the 10th of june
I am funding the perchace of my new home from my dovorce
and the money from the house we both owned out right
the money iam getting is far less then 50% and iam not taking much out of the house as the Kids still live there
But it will pay for the the new house  so i will not have a morgage
we have delt with the finacal setalment and she has to let me have the money by the 7th of june
tonight she says you will have to move out on the 7th and will not budge
so if i can not rearange the move to monday the 6th it looks like i am going to be home less  for 3 days
the seperasion has been like this all the way throw  6 months off compleet hell
this will mean i will have to take time off work and iam self employed so i will loss a lot off money
aswell she is just making every thing as difficult as posiblem just to spite me :-(

Starting to move forwoords

I will be moving in to My own House away form the Family home with in the next 2 weeks

This is a time off mixed feeling Grate Joy in being o my own and away from the My X and her bitter feeelings towords me ( living in this limbo land for the last 6 months ).
but grate sadness i did not wount to cause her so much hurt and pain i truly marred her for life and still have grate fellings for her even if the prosses off dovorce have made are relasionship even more strained than thay where already

But the most important thig is my Boys thay mean so much to me and i now that leaveing them is the hardist thing i will ever do my ex is being an ar*** and is making access to them as difficult as posible
makeing it imposible for me to have them for more than both afternoons every other weekend this will make haveing them overnight imposible and restrict what and where i can tack them :-(

but all i can do at this point is look forwood to moving and setting up my new home I have already got most of the furniture i need and kitchen shuff
Things will be a bit basic for a littel while but it will be my home where i can be me

Monday, May 23, 2011

a life but not as most would no it

Well Where do i Start a potted history sounds Good

( Please Note Iam Dyslexic so I apologogize for my spelling from the start)

I have to admit iam a trans women and my life has changed and is still changing

I will not start with the normal trans story off ( I always now i was a girl trapped in a boys body ) that’s that out of the way.

I just grow up in a loving normal family the second child how got on well with my older sister and always played with her and proffered to play her games from skipping to playing dress up \mums hospitals and the like yes i did the boy things as well but only because it was expected of me.

my first time publicly out in girl mode was when i was 8 we had family to stay and i was playing with my sister and 2 female cousins and i was dressed in hot pants and a halter neck top and daps ( plimsolls to those that are posh) and we were going out for the day to a wildlife park
my mum said your not going like that but the rest of the girls said yes she is no boys on this trip and my mum just checked i was ok with this :-)
I said i was and the 2 families when and had a good day it was such a good day for me every one we meet just thort i was one off the girls and it just felt right to be out and about as me on a sunny day with the family calling me Nikki as it worked.
well i guss that sort off confirmed the way i felt about my self but at that age i could not connect the dots but now it felt right.

as my sister got older the chances to play dress up became less and less but the need grow and grow
by the time i was in my teens it was the begging of the 80s a grate time to be gender vereant and experimentation begin witch gave my mother much to worry about but my younger sister thort it was cool :-)
By the time i was 20 i was living on my own home and apart from a very bloke job i live the rest of the time as a girl there wasn’t a trans seen like there is today.
So i just came out to my Female friends who bless them took me under there wings like a younger sister and helped me become the person i should of been and included me in there social group
so in effect i was living the life i should off been leading apart from this thing called work so he was paying all her bills and boy can she shop lol
this glorious life lasted for 4 years until interest rates when to 15% witch like anyone in the 90's how was baying a house made life difficult and led to me working something like 95 hours a week just to keep a roof over my head and left no time for Nikki or very little survival was the name of the game this came at the same time as i had a referral to charring cross hospital as i new i should be Nikki completely not one thing or the other.
but life is cruel and having to work ment i had to put all thort’s off Nikki on the back shelve for now and survive.
during this time i meet the most wound full person in the world and thort I had cracked it I had some one that loved me she was beautiful and all thorts off Nikki left me at that time and i was normal ( what ever that is ) and for 16 years i was someone else did all sorts off the most bloky things just to prove i has him ( it didn’t work ) there where some very good time during this life but there was always a feeling off wrongness ( when my 2 boy where born was a mixed time my partner shut me out completely to start with and i was jellus off her having the little one as they should of groune inside  me but i still love them so much and i would not of had them if i had transitioned in earlier life and spending lost off time caring for them when they where small was so fulfilling and i still go gag gag over little people today ) .

I cannot say that thorts off being the true me never entered my head as that would be lying as they where always there.
About 7 years ago i became ill and it left me with a bells paulze witch made my face drop on my right side and it looked like i had had a stroke and my only thort witch rocked me to the core was i could never be me again looking like this it took me 4 months to regain the use off my face and a lot off sole searching 
I did not won’t to abandon my family that i loved but i needed to be me living as him had drain the life out of me i was just going throw the motions off being a married person with kids lost in doing everything for everyone else and never being me it was putting me into a deeper and deeper depression that i didn’t admit to myself let alone anyone else being trans teaches you to hide the person you realy are and you become good at it.
but i could not do this any longer but i could not just be selfish and leave my family :-( to say i was low was an understatement.

in the late summer my partner always took the children away with her parent’s for a week
this year the day they went away i went out to by some things i needed and came home with the cloths i wonted instead only 2 outfits and it was only to wear at home while they where away that would just take the edge off ( yes you all know what happened next lol) well by the end off the week i had been out shopping in with the muggels and found a tranny meeting near Newbury and i never looked back for 7 years i juggled being the family person and snatching time to be me
to my grate shame hiding this activity from the one I loved but developing as myself my ex partner is an evangelical Christian and would never except a trans person as a partner after 7 years she found my cloths just before xmas lets say we had had a very difficult xmas for the kids sake.
and then she told me she could no longer be with me so we have lived in the same house for 6 months’ while the divorce has gone throw so much pain on both are parts
this stage off my life is now ending and in the next 2 weeks i should be in my own home again and have my boys every other weekend Nikki will be free to live her live but at what cost